Children are to be seen and not heard. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Silence is the chef’s best compliment.
We have a lot of quotes about not saying things, and usually they’re pretty positive. (aside from the one about children). There are many quotes in multiple languages about how not speaking is always preferable to speaking too much; how one will appear wise if they don’t say anything; and how talking too much always leads to bad places.
Correspondingly, we have far fewer sayings about how we should all talk more. There seems to be a general consensus that talking leads to mistakes; and that’s pretty accurate. You can never unsay what you just said. There is no rewind or backspace button to life. Once something is said it’s out there in the world and nothing can ever take it back. This fear makes people say less than they mean a lot of the time because you can’t regret what you don’t say.
Which is a completely false statement, by the way.
There is this strange competition between communication and silence. While it seems far easier to regret what is said, it is just as easy to regret something that was never said. So as with most things in life, it requires a balance. When do we speak, and when do we remain silent?
There are many good reasons not to say things, especially in a friendship. Part of being a good friend is knowing what not to say around your friend. Good friends know where all the hurting spots are, and while they might poke fun around some of them, they know better than to stick a knife right in one and twist it around.
That’s one reason I tread very carefully around new people, because everyone has bad spots, and I’d rather not hurt anyone, even accidentally. But trying not to step in a new person’s bad spots is rather like trying to find your way through a marsh blindfolded. Sooner or later you are going to fall flat on your face in a scum puddle. Guaranteed.
But there are other reasons to remain silent about things. Sometimes it’s important to remain silent so as not to hurt someone or embarrass yourself. I’m talking about the ‘as long as I don’t say it, it isn’t true’ phenomenon. We’ve all experienced it, on one side or the other. Say that person A likes person B, but person B doesn’t like person A, and knows that A really likes them. Depending on who they are, A might realize that B doesn’t like them, but they just can’t help how they feel. Now B has two choices. Either they bring it up in an awkward and painful conversation, or they allow an unspoken pact to occur: whatever A and B think they know about the other, nothing is true unless it is spoken of. So A can keep their pride and self-esteem and B doesn’t have to break their heart and the situation can subside as gracefully as possible.
Admittedly, this is sometimes just a ruse where B doesn’t have the chutzpah to let A down and pretends that the unspoken pact is there, but we’re not talking about that right now. The A and B situation isn’t just about liking someone. It can occur with friends and coworkers who are willing to pretend that something embarrassing didn’t happen, or sometimes even that it did. Because what the unspoken pact is really about is saving a bit of face, or pride or self esteem, and that’s not a bad thing all the time. Denial of reality is a bad thing, true, and a good friend shouldn’t take part in that. But there are so many little situations in life that are easier to endure when everyone is willing to pretend they don’t exist. (Like the Matrix sequels. It’s a pity they never made any).
On the other hand, sometimes it is utterly vital to speak about what you feel because if it never gets said, everyone can just keep pretending it doesn’t exist. Or correspondingly feel insecure in their position because they don’t know where they stand. Imagine what it would be like if no one said how they really felt. You’d never know if anyone truly loved you and you’d be stuck in a cold cage all alone all the time because you could never be sure if the people you were with cared about you at all or thought you had any worth.
(and no, life is not all about seeking self-worth from other people’s opinions, but in reality, we are social creatures who do need the affirmation of our peers, and life can be almost unlivable if we don’t get it)
Which brings me to the perhaps random but in fact very connected topic of marriage. Marriage vows, to be precise.
A lot of people are against marriage. They say it’s unnecessary, outdated, ridiculous, and barbaric. As if standing up in front of a bunch of people is going to make a relationship any more valid than it was before.
But what is getting married, really? Nowadays you mention a marriage and if you live in America and many European countries, white dresses are going to spring to mind, along with churches and lots of guests and a huge wedding cake and a lot of gifts. But if you pare all that down to the essentials, you get vows spoken in front of witnesses and a senior member of a religion. And if you pare that down even further you get two people making promises to each other in front of people who are important to them and who will hopefully help them keep those promises.
Because things aren’t true until they’re said aloud, and a marriage ceremony is all about making sure that certain things are said before two people commit to each other. Most of us can recite at least half the standard wedding vows we see on tv and in movies, but what if we were to take those vows out of the context of a wedding and put them in the mouths of two people who are trying to hold a relationship together long term.
A: I love you.
B: I love you too.
A: I want to stay with you forever.
B: It won’t be easy.
A: Are you kidding? I’ll probably hate you sometimes.
B: I’ll probably throw things at you.
A: I might get fat and unattractive.
B: I could too. I don’t really like exercising.
A: Bo-ring.
B: So true. But you said that one reason you loved me was because I’m beautiful.
A: I do.
B: So what’ll happen when I get old and I’m less beautiful?
A: It won’t matter.
B: How can you be sure?
A: Because I love you—not just the way you look—although that’s a plus, I admit.
B: Hot stuff.
A: Smokin’. But it’s true that when we get old, we’ll get wrinkles.
B: We’ll sag in currently attractive places.
A: We’ll smell funny.
B: We’ll lose our teeth.
A: But you’ll still be you. And I’ll still be me. Well, me without teeth.
B: Ha. But you’ll still be smokin’.
A: So will you. Life’s a long time though, and there’s a lot of bad things that could happen on the way. One of us could get really sick. I’m talking terminal but lingering illness sort of sick. I’d understand if you wouldn’t want to stick around if that—
B: What, am I supposed to be some fair weather friend? Someone who only sticks around when times are good? If you really want me forever, that’s what you gonna get. Forever.
A: What if I get rich and snobby?
B: If we get rich I bet I’ll be snobbier than you.
A: The economy is really bad. My company is making cuts. I could lose my job in a heartbeat.
B: So could I.
A: I might not be able to support you.
B: I’ll support you. And if I can’t, we’ll get jobs working at McDonald’s together.
A: Together.
B: Forever. No matter what it takes.
A: No matter how hard it’s going to be.
B: No matter how we change as the years go by.
A: No matter the terrible mistakes we’ll make sometimes.
B: We’ll work it out.
A: We’ll never give up on each other.
B: I love you.
A: I love you too.
And if you think that a talk like this in a serious relationship isn’t necessary? You’re on dangerous ground that’s going to give out under your feet and then you’ll be lying on your back breathless wondering what just happened.
Because some things need to be said aloud. They need to be acknowledged and understood because if something isn’t said, how are we supposed to know if it’s real?
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